Pilot

Back in Stephenie Meyer's 'Eclipse', Bella faced a dilemma that seemed to be the one pressing problem for her all the time- should she remain mortal or embrace immortality?

Edward's advice: You want to experience human life. After all, it may never be possible again to do what you always do now, to know human life.

I could use the advice, except I'm not facing Bella's dilemma. Sometimes, there's just so much I wish I could try out. Like maybe be THE boss or CEO of a large corporation, or live in a huge mansion, waited upon by others, or even have a family with someone I love, and enjoy what life has to offer. Yet sometimes, if I had the choice, I wish I could just be able to turn back time, to change history.

That would right the wrong in 2005 when I lost a friend because of my laziness, or in 2006 because of my 'clingy-ness'; or in 2008, when I could have struck a balance between love and work and not made a mess of my life, relationships. If I had the power, I would have cleaned up all this mess already.

Yet as Gideon told Leo in 'Charmed Season 6', 'Loss and love are what forms us.'. Without the love, we would not know what warmth feels like, and we would certainly live in a colder place, void of care and concern for one another. Without loss, of time, of friends, of relationships, we would not learn to treasure what we now have. And the love and loss that we feel now, these are the very emotions that define who we are. We use our experience to guide our actions, feelings, and so we become a better person. We teach others to treasure, to care.

It is sometimes saddening to look back in our memories to see things we should never have done. And now when we know those we have hurt have moved on, or fallen from grace, we feel at a loss about how to react. It is in us to want to help, but there doesn't seem to be a way to help, not without embarrassment.

I don't know.I certainly am at a loss.